Lawyer Gets Feces Face Wash

From the National Post.

10news.com reports on an accused who smeared the face of his public defender with human feces during trial. The man then flung a bag full of excrement at the jury forcing a mistrial. Apparently, Weusi McGowan, on trial for allegely taking part in a home invasion, was angry that the court would not remove Deputy Alternate Public Defender Jeffrey Martin as his attorney.

According to 10 news.com "At the mid-morning break, McGowan produced a plastic baggie filled with fecal matter and spread it on Martin's hair and face, then flung the excrement toward the jury box, hitting the briefcase of juror No. 9 but missing the juror himself."

After dismissing the jury, the judge ordered a new lawyer for McGowan and then raised McGowan's bail $250,000 to $1 million on the basis that McGowan was a danger to the community.



Weusi McGowan was on trial for assaulting a man with a rock in a sock and stealing his car. McGowan was arrested twenty minutes after the incident in what the mainstream media have dubbed, “Rock’em Sock’em Robbery.” His trial for the year old incident began without much fuss, except for a denied request for self representation and another denied request for a change in representation. The denials did not sit well; it caused a deep rumbling in his belly and out came a most unexpected result.

McGowan was upset by the unheeded request for self representation, and in addition, he had differences with his lawyer, Jeffery Martin, Deputy Alternate Public Defender. Weusi decided, in a calculated gesture of extreme brutality, to rub a handful of excrement on his lawyer’s hair and face. Weusi flung the remainder at the jury box, splattering Juror #9’s briefcase.

The Zany Zany World’s court reporter Lubomir Loebnovsky sat down with the unapologetic shit smearer Weusi McGowan for an exclusive interview.

LL: Why did you do it?
WM: I always though Martin was a shitty lawyer. Now I know for sure. (Laughs)

LL: What about Juror #9?
WM: I had no intention of targeting him but, you know, ‘shit happens.’

LL: Did you know about the briefcase?
WM: Awww shit!

LL: What could have been done to avoid this fecal outcome?
WM: If I was allowed to speak in my own defense. That’s all I wanted. Who knows if my arguments to the jury would have been refined. But one thing is for sure: it would have saved Mr. Martin a shampooing.

LL: Do you blame the judge at all?
WM: Yes! The Blood is on his hands. The shit is too!

LL: Better get some Purell. But seriously, as a victim of the Soviet legal system I too know the sting of a repressive and corrupt legal system. I have seen many men shit in their pants just to get a sniff of respect from the high minded litigious oligarchs who controlled their futures. I have seen the smear of injustice on the soul of humanity. I have wiped clean the notion that one shitty day should mean a lifetime of shitty-ness.
WM: Okay. Okay. Whatever man. Just calm down.



LL: Sorry. What do you think your actions tell them world about who you really are?
WM: My actions were a valiant protest against the irrational imbroglio in which I found himself snared. Like Joseph K., the unlikely victim of bureaucracy in Franz Kafka’s The Trial, I’m simply at odds with my surroundings: an innocent victim of a backwards system, pushed deeper and deeper into a childlike state of wonderment, forcing me to act out. And since the court had taken my second last instrument of self expression, my voice, I had to rely on a more primal, a more natural medium of communication. My demonstration reeks of a poetry that is more profound than the slightest whimper of sound, no matter what body part produced it.

LL: What do you mean?
WM: How can a court of law silence a man, and give his voice over to a deputy alternate public defender and not expect him to find another vehicle for self expression? How can a man, gagged and struggling for his last chance at liberty, acquiesce in the face of oppression?

LL: Now I get it. What do you want to happen next?
WM: I urge my supporters everywhere to hold a candle light vigil demanding my immediate release. History will look back on this event and it will be agreed, the truth is Justice is not only blind, she stinks too.

LL: Well put. Thank you for speaking to me.
WM: My pleasure. But before we end this, I have a joke for you. Knock knock!
LL: Who’s there?
WM: Sorry.
LL: Sorry who?
WM: Sorry! But I’m going to smear shit on your face. (Proceeds to smear shit on Lubomir’s face.)
LL: Hahahaha! You got me there. I better go clean up.

You Oughta Know, Dave Coulier



For the longest time, I thought the song was written about John Stamos, also known as ‘Uncle Jesse’.

Turns out, it was ‘Uncle Joey’ the whole time.

I’ll let this blurb from the Calgary Hearld explain:

The favorite and funniest uncle on Full House, 'Uncle Joey', has finally confirmed a long-standing rumor - he was the inspiration for the Alanis Morisette break-out song.

'Uncle Joey' Dave Coulier is finally speaking out and confirming that Alanis Morissette's raunchy, rough hit "You Oughta Know" is about himself.

Coulier says he dated Alanis but didn't know she would make their breakup public. Upon first hearing Alanis' song, "I said, 'Wow, this girl is angry,'" Dave recalled.

"And then I said, 'Oh man, I think it's Alanis.' ... I listened to the song over and over again, and I said, 'I think I have really hurt this person.' "

But no worries, the pair met up and everything went fine: "We saw each other and hung out for an entire day."

"And it was beautiful. It was one of those things where it was kind of like, 'We're good.'"



Believe it or not, Morisette’s smash hit ‘You Oughta Know’ is not the only song to have been written about Dave Coulier.

In fact, several songs that have defined a generation were influenced by the playful ex-host of America’s Funniest People.

You may be surprised to know that the late Kurt Cobain wrote the lyrics to ‘Rape Me’ after a heroine party gone awry. As the Nirvana frontman sings “rape me/rape me my friend” he actually means to say “rape me/rape me Dave Coulier”.

Brit-rock superstars Oasis also have a song about Coulier. Have you ever heard of a song called ‘Wonderwall’? Of course you have. Everyone has. Idiot. When singer Liam Gallagher closes his eyes and says “I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now,” he’s secretly telling the world about his love for Coulier’s transcendent acting skills.

We could be here all week talking about songs like the Foo Fighter’s ‘My Hero’, Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’, Jay-Z’s ‘Big Pimpin’, and Russian lesbian super group T.A.T.U.’s ‘Not Gonna Get US’ just to name a few. But you get the idea.

Flamboyant, Flaming Relapses

Here's a dandy from the Waterloo Region Record.

A Waterloo, Ontario man has had one the most "flamboyant, flaming relapses" ever seen.

And that's coming from his defence lawyer.

The man managed to break all the rules of his house arrest when he went for a late-night drive in his pickup last month.

Court heard the man was driving naked, drunk, high on crack cocaine and masturbating next to a naked prostitute -- and he was speeding when he crashed into a parked car.



He already had a drunk driving record when he was convicted last year of two weapons offences and breach of recognizance.

He received a nine-month conditional sentence of house arrest for that.

However, he began drinking and taking drugs again and snapped on July 30th.

After the crash, witnesses saw him grab his clothes and try and dress while running away, leaving the accident and the naked woman behind.

The judge credited the man with doing well -- right up until he snapped -- and sentenced him to four months in jail.

You may be as shocked as we all were when we came across this story. But Lubomir Loebnovsky wasn't. When asked why, here's what he said:

When I smoke crack with my favorite hooker I usually give my keys to her pimp. After all, I know how hard it can be to smoke crack and jerk-off while simultaneously keeping an eye on the hooker and watching the road. Life is full of challenges.

James Boppre, of Waterloo Ontario, doesn’t know how to multitask. He’s just not capable of juggling the demands of a high speed, crack smoking, prostitute filled, and naked car ride.

Shame on him for driving during his dalliance in sinful sweetness. The man committed so many types of sin at once that he’s not really a human anymore: he’s a contemporary personification of recklessness. Congratulations Mr. Boppre, you’ve transcended your humanity.

Mr. Boppre’s antics violate the condition of his parole. He’s a fallen star. What is really amazing about this hooker loving crack smoker, other than his one man show, a festival of savagery, is that in a previous life he owned a landscaping business which earned him a six figure income. Amazingly the pressures of small business ownership sent him spiraling down a spiral of crack abuse and self destruction.




Apparently Mr. Boppre was supported in court by two rows of family and relatives. This leads me to one of two conclusions. First, it is possible that the rows in this particular court room are very short. Second, there may be more than one person in Mr. Boppre’s immediate circle smoking crack. I think it’s time to cut the man loose. Do you really want him at Thanksgiving this year? How will you keep a strait face when the giant turkey arrives?

As a survivor of drug and alcohol addiction I feel a great deal of sympathy for Mr. Boppre. I may not have fallen as far from grace as he has but I certainly had my moments. I too know the siren’s song of Kitchener’s finest hookers, most of whom know me affectionate as ‘Lubos’. I do not, however, have any sympathy for his reckless abuse of his driving privileges. Driving was the only one of his activities which had the potential to harm someone else.

Thanks for the insight, Lubomir!

Talula Doesn't Do The Hula Anymore

A while back, the Zany Zany World brought you the story of a New Zealand couple attempting to name their child "4Real". Well, there's been a development in the story.

This comes from the associated press.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names and did something about it.

Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

He had her renamed.



In a ruling made public Thursday, judge Rob Murfitt made the 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed.

He said the girl was involved in a custody battle.

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," he wrote. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

The girl had been so embarrassed at the name that she had never told her closest friends what it was. She told people to call her "K" instead, the girl's lawyer, Colleen MacLeod, told the court.

In his ruling, Murfitt cited a list of other unfortunate names.

Registration officials blocked some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, he said. But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter "and tragically, Violence," he said.

New Zealand law does not allow names that would cause offense to a reasonable person, among other conditions, said Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

Clarke said officials usually talked to parents who proposed unusual names to convince them about the potential for embarrassment.

In the previous story, ZZW editorialist Lubomir Loebnovsky gave us his two cents. We feel it's only appropriate that he respond to the case of Talula Does The Hula as well.

Here's what he has to say on the matter:

The late Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s masterpiece, The Gulag Archipelago, describes so many types of torture it is baffling to even well versed fans of the prison literature genre. But in the rich tapestry of Soviet interrogation techniques there is as permanently cruel as naming a child “Tulula does the Hula”. Nothing in all the decades of expertly administered human degradation that Stalinist’s applied was designated for newborns and crafted to last for all eternity.

Even the American-imperialist, torture-machine in Guantanamo Bay allows their oft degraded guests to keep dignified names during corrupt trials. So what’s happening in New Zealand? Apparently the desire to humiliate a child has been the public prerogative of a two loose screws with no respect for the sacred innocence of new life, an act that would make Stalin and Bush curly up into a ball and cry for their mommies.



Being born with a name that stigmatizes like Tulula’s is no strange reality: after all, this writer was born and christened Lubmoir Lyova Loebnovsky. Being saved from that stigma is a great act of compassion which all reasonable people should stand behind as if it were the liberation of Auschwitz.

All too frequently people are born into desperation, into a life that denies them opportunities and hope, into slavery. Usually it is because of geopolitical conflict, macro-economic conditions, or natural disaster. For one little girl from New Zealand, a sentence of despair was a deliberate act of her own progenitors.

In most cases, children suffer because they have no friends or because they realize they’re stupid. In other cases, child abuse goes unnoticed and the world indifferently spins around the sufferers. In this case, a couple from New Zealand simply couldn’t wait to abuse their child the old fashioned way, they were too anxious, so they left a distinction of stupidity on their daughter’s birth certificate so that she would be haunted by the specter of her parent’s cruelty with permanence.

Congratulations to the authority in New Zealand which put an end to a prescribed form of abuse which no child should endure. Best wishes to the young lady who’s been given a second chance by a compassionate judge.



This is a global story and the parallels run deep. Incidentally “the reasonable person” test articulated in New Zealand’s naming policy is very similar to Canada’s Personal Information Protection and Electronic Documents Act. The same wording of the expectations of a reasonable person is used to determine whether or not a surveillance practice is legally permissible in the true north strong and free.

From pole to pole, from hemisphere to hemisphere, and all across the commonwealth reasonable people are winning. Assholes who hate children are on the way out.

The Business Plan

(AP) FORT WORTH, Texas - Tellers at the Texas bank were immediately suspicious.
After all, it isn't every day someone walks in to cash a cheque with 10 zeros on it.

But police say 21-one-year-old Charles Ray Fuller of the Fort Worth
suburb of Crowley tried to do just that.

Fuller now faces forgery and other charges after trying to cash a
cheque for $360-billion last week.




Fuller, who was released after posting $3,750 bail, claims his girlfriend's mother gave him the cheque to start a record business, a claim the woman denies.

In addition to forgery, Fuller has been charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana.

Police say they found more than 50 grams of marijuana and a .25-calibre handgun and magazine in his pockets.




Is Charles Fuller a genius?



Zany Zany World business reporter Anten Moldonado analyzed the actions of our brazen Texan as if they were brought forward in an enterprising business plan for opening a record store.


Here's what he had to say:


Early stage entrepreneurs typically find raising financing for their business venture difficult – it seems Mr. Fuller did not. He demonstrated business savvy in seeking financing first from “friends and family”. Typically entrepreneurs reach out to this group initially, followed then by angel investors, venture capital, and finally larger private equity sources.




Mr. Fuller must have had a terrific pitch – let’s try to understand why.

Consider that equity injections are always done at a particular valuation. The process roughly goes as follows:

Entrepreneurs and investors first come to terms with the ‘value’ of the business. This is typically done by valuing projected free cash flows (the amount of money the business will make in the years to come) and assigning a multiple to determine how much someone should pay today to earn the rights to that money in the future.

The entrepreneur must then consider how much of their business they’re willing to part with. For example, if we decide that your business is ‘worth’ $100,000, an entrepreneur would have to give up 40% of their business to take on a $40,000 equity injection.

Let’s assume that Mr. Fuller’s mother’s girlfriend (let’s call her Candy) invested $360,000,000,000 to earn a controlling stake in his record company – say 80%. This would imply that Mr. Fuller’s record company is, at present, worth $450,000,000,000. Given that the record industry is not growing quickly, the multiple Mr. Fuller would be able to negotiate from a shrewd investor, like Candy, with hundreds of billions of dollars to invest, would be quite low.

Let’s assume that it’s 5 times earnings. This would imply that Mr. Fuller’s business currently earns (or will be earning very soon) $90,000,000,000.

To fully grasp how large a number this is, we must work backwards to calculate his revenue.


Let’s assume the record business margins are low, since marketing and operations expenses are high. If he’s earning $90,000,000,000 and his margins are 10%, this implies that Mr. Fuller is generating $900,000,000,000 in revenue. At $20 per CD sold, this translates roughly to 45,000,000,000 CDs sold each year. This implies that each of the 7,000,000,000 people in the world buy about 6 CDs from him personally, each year.

My conclusion is that Mr. Fuller is a tremendous businessman who was able to put together a terrific business pitch and convince an investor to part ways with a large sum of money. I would, however, suggest that he reconsider the feasibility of implementing his business plan.

There you have it.

The Zany Zany World applauds you and your corporate savy, Charles Fuller.

Lesbos vs Lesbians

ATHENS (Reuters) - A Greek court is considering a request by residents of the Aegean island of Lesbos to ban use of the word lesbian as a term to describe gay women, a court official said on Wednesday.

Three Lesbos residents brought the case, arguing that the use of the term "lesbian" in reference to gay women insults their identity.

The island of Lesbos, off the Turkish coast, is the birthplace of the ancient Greek poet Sappho, whose love poems inspired the term lesbian. The island has become a mecca for gay women the world over.



The plaintiffs, who argue the northern Aegean island's residents are the only true Lesbians, told the court the dispute was over identity and not sexuality.

"Gay women have every right to define themselves as they wish, but they don't have the right to appropriate our national identity," Lesbos resident Ioannis Achlioptas said.

At the packed courtroom, one of the islanders wore a badge that read "I am Paul and I am a Lesbian" and later unfurled a banner which read "If you are not from Lesbos, you are not a Lesbian".

"I have a hard time explaining to my daughter that we Lesbians are not homosexuals. My mother, my sister and my daughter are all Lesbians and it's incredible the amount of ridicule they suffer because of this," Achlioptas told the court.

...story continued by the ZZW...

Meantime, the defendants claim they're allowed to associate their sexuality to whomever or whatever they so please.

"We really enjoyed our recent trip to Holland," says Mindy Lovdapuss, founder of gay rights group Bitches United To Create Hilarity. "So for a while, we were calling ourselves 'dykes'."

In a released statement, B.U.T.C.H. says it will continue to use the term lesbian, no matter what ruling the Greek courts hand down.

While certainly rare, this type of case is not without precedent.

In 1994, residents of the quaint town of Dildo, Newfoundland, successfully argued in the Supreme Court of Canada that an American sex toy company was tarnishing the name of their community.



The Supreme court ruled in favour of the town, and forced the company to begin marketing 'vibrators' instead of 'dildos'.

When asked if aware of the Dildo case, Lovdapuss replied matter-of-factly: "Of course. It helps me sleep at night."

After a three-month long vacation, staff here at the Zany Zany World returned to the bump and grind of the blogosphere.

Our inboxes were packed to the brim with mail, both fan and hate. It took a few hours to answer them all with the automatic response system. And while the computers were doing the dirty work, one e-mail happened to catch our eyes.



One of our readers took time out of his/her day to bring to our attention something that we had some how missed. It was article published in the Toronto Star. Please read on.


Email lands Texas district attorney in hot water
Brett Popplewell
STAFF REPORTER

Is "Canadian" the new black? Perhaps – that is if you're a racist speaking in code.
Recent revelations that the term "Canadian" is being used to replace racist names for black people have got a Texas assistant district attorney into trouble and have left others wondering what exactly it means to be labelled a Canadian in the American south.

Long derogated as weak-kneed liberals with lax laws and funny monopoly money, Canadians have carried a negative connotation in certain regions of America – but not as a replacement for the N-word.

Earlier this week a columnist with the Houston Chronicle uncovered an email from Harris County assistant district attorney Mike Trent who, in a congratulatory note to a junior prosecutor, used the word "Canadians" to describe blacks on a jury.

Trent wrote of the prosecutor in a 2003 email: "He overcame a subversively good defence by Matt Hennessey that had some Canadians on the jury feeling sorry for the defendant and forced them to do the right thing."

Trent's email remained unchallenged by colleagues who received the email, despite there being no actual Canadians on the jury.

But when Trent's office came under scrutiny this month over an unrelated incident, the email was unearthed, leaving Trent open to accusations of bigotry.

Those accusations are grounded in allegations that the use of "Canadians" was in keeping with the definition listed on an online racial slurs database that defines "Canadian" as a masked replacement for the N-word.

In his own defence, Trent said he honestly thought there had been Canadians on the jury and did not understand the negative connotation of the word.


We here at the Zany Zany World love to use slang. Terms like “the camel crush” and “Dizzy Trout” have come to take on new meanings. When we first heard about the word “Canadians” being used in a derogatory racial context, we immediately considered the implications.

Arguably, the n-word is used most frequently in rap music (at least in its exposure to the general public). To illustrate how this will affect rap, we’ve taken the lyrics of Earl Simmons A.K.A ‘DMX’ and replaced the n-word with “Canadians”.



Here’s Simmons’ smah hit “fuckin’ wit D” off his 1998 album It’s Dark and Hell is Hot.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........
What's on y'all [Canadians] minds
fuckin' wit' me, y'all know somebody has
told you about fuckin' wit' D, stuck in
a tree is what you will be, like a cat
and I'm the dog at the bottom, lookin' up
what's that.
Your worst nightmare is I take it right there,
you got [Canadians] comin' where they at, right
where? I make 'em like air, floatin' away, wouldn't
tell what he was thinkin' so I opened a way,
Went from broken away, you know he hurt before he died,
makes you wonder if he lost his shirt before he died, only
two knew the answer and one of us is dead, so anyone who
seeks the truth can get it straight to head!
Than you andf him can discuss what I did, yeah it was
wrong dog but I slid, i'll repent one day, just not right
now, you hear my shit all on the street i'm kinda hot
right now!

Come on!

[ (Chorus):]

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
CH'YALL [CANADIANS] CAUSE Y'ALL
AIN'T KILLIN' NUTTIN'!!!

[Verse two:]

I wanna break bread wit' da' katz
that I starve with, wanna hit the
malls with the same dogz I rob wit',
wanna be able to laugh with the [Canadians]
that I cried with, when it's over be like
these is tha [Canadians] that I died wit'.
What do you do when you find out in the
hall there's a rat, what do you do when
you find out that your dog is a cat,
Shit, on [Canadians] back, can't hold but two
so while you gettin' more gatz i'm puttin wholes
in you, snubnose will do, break 'em off real
proppa', need to keep it' spittin' but I ain't gonna stoppa', cocka,
unlocka, let
'em go, give it to his man just to let him know,
All things considered it was real for' a minute,
got what was yourz and tried to steal sometin' wit
it, now feel sometin' hit it, your chest that is,
the best that is, is probaly the best that slid,
yo stress that kid!

[ (Chorus):]

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
CH'YALL [CANADIANS] CAUSE Y'ALL
AIN'T KILLIN' NUTTIN'!!!

[Verse 3:]

When [Canadians] hear that dog bark,
they betta run, when police hear
that dog bark they betta come, they
expect tha same thing that's live,
and they lives will be lost, there
is a price to pay, how many lives
will be lost, COME ON!
Since I run with the devil i'm one
with the devil, I stay doin' dirt so
I'm gonna come with the shovel,
Hit chyou on a level of a madman who's mind's
twisted, Made [Canadians] dreams caught the last
train, mines missed it, Listed as a manic
depressin' with extreme paranoya! and dog
I got sometin' for ya! hear my name, feel my pain,
[Canadians] wanna steal my fame, but first feel
my reign, know what it's like to suffer, never
have enough of shit, startin' off hard than
only gettin' rougher! tougher, but than came
the greese, so if you wanna say peace, tame the beast!


Kids these days are already confused enough, what with the mixed messages society sends them and all. If the term “Canadians” picks up, then there will be a whole generation of Americans, who based off the teachings of Earl Simmons, thinks Canadians are hyper-violent. And that would be bad.