I went to the mall this morning to buy the few remaining gifts needed to complete my holiday shopping. I wasn’t sure what I had to buy, so I thought I’d just head down there and walk around, hoping that something would jump out at me. All I knew is that I still had to buy for my best friend in the world, Pierre.

Pierre is a difficult person to buy gifts for. He certainly has the most bizarre interests of anyone I know. For example, Pierre loves red meat, gerbils, and impressionist art. He also enjoys banking.

I wasn’t quite sure what I’d find at the mall, but I knew that if I were to have some sort of eureka moment, it’d be there.

It was around 2:30 a.m. when I finally got the energy to go shopping. I like shopping at the dead hours because it’s quieter. I had no trouble whatsoever finding a parking spot. People always complain about mall parking lots at Christmas, but there didn’t seem to be a problem in my eyes.

The doors to the mall were locked, but in preparation for this setback, I brought my mall crowbar. It took about 5 minutes of jimmying, but eventually, the door opened up and I found myself in the consumer Mecca. There were so many stores; I just didn’t know where to start looking.

I walked around aimlessly for about 25 minutes until finally I came to a bank. The bank had a big display in front of it. The display illustrated the happiness yuppies can achieve if they invest in mutual funds. Mutual funds, I thought: what a great idea.

I went into the bank, and stood in line. The service was terribly slow. It wasn’t until 9 a.m. that I got any service. I had been waiting for nearly 6 hours. Luckily, they had all the necessary paperwork in the aisles in front of the counter, so to pass the time, I filled out the paperwork. I filled out a rough copy, and then did a second copy for more edits. It would have been the third round of form-filling when I decided all the information was accurate.

The friendly woman at the bank asked me how I got in to the store. I told her that they locked me in from the night before and that all I wanted to do was buy some mutual funds for a friend. The woman told me that Pierre had to be there with me to sign the necessary agreements, or else the purchase couldn’t go through.

Very well, I said to her cheerily.

I left the bank and proceeded back through the mall, towards the exit I came in at. I then realized I hadn’t eaten anything in five days. I turned around and went back to the bank. The woman was still there, only by now, other patrons were there as well. I stood in line hungrily until finally I reached the front.

I politely greeted the woman.

Remember me, I asked. She nodded her head very softly. I the told her about how hungry I was. I asked her if she had anything to eat. She said no. I then asked her if she had any of those delicious mutual funds lying around. Maybe even some day olds or something. Confused, the woman told me that I couldn’t eat mutual funds. I was so embarrassed. My face went bright red. In that case, I said, how about you lend me some money so that I can buy some food for myself and lucky Pierre.

The woman declined. That made me sad. I cried. I just couldn’t hide the fact that Pierre was going to be so disappointed in me.