For a class in a second year Journalism school, I had to write a story about the weather affecting someone. It was to be written as though it would be on the front page of a small town newspaper.

I was offended by this assignment because I think great writers come from the weirdest of places. They're everywhere. They don't have to live in a big city or have to have any affiliation with a club or newspaper or school in any way.

Even small town journalism is important to someone.

So in protest of this assignment, I decided to write a story about how the weather is affecting someone in the voice of a "small town" writer.

I recieved a 'C' on the assignment because I didn't a) understand the type of story I was supposed to be writing, b) employ any of the "standard techniques" for writing a news story, and c) the piece is just poorly written.

I thought that's what I supposed to do:

Recent wet weather, combined with freezing temperatures at night, has misshapen Halifax from a moderately-sized Canadian urban centre into an ice-covered moderately-sized Canadian urban centre.

Local meteorologists will tell you that when water is mixed with freezing temperatures, it will react by converting into ice. What they will not tell you is that I recently hurt myself, both physically and emotionally, because of the ice.

I have left close to three angry messages on the answering machine of local weather forecasters, yet they still refuse to acknowledge my accident. In response to their nihilistic bunkness, I will explain to you, through the medium of print, exactly why I’m so upset.

January is the cruellest month (or something like that).

On Monday, January the eleventh, at nearly three-thirty in the afternoon, I stopped watching a humorous episode of the Steve Harvey Show and began walking towards the bank machine at the student union building on the campus of Dalhousie University. The route I chose was to walk along Vernon Street until I got there.

It was cold out, so I made sure to wear a winter coat and my favourite toque. The toque displays the letters O.S.S.T.F. on it, referring to the Ontario high school teacher’s union.

While I walked at my regular power-walk pace, I stepped on some ice covered by fresh, light snow. My right leg flew into the sky, followed by my left. As I felt myself at the mercy of gravity, I reacted by extending my right arm to break my fall. It was no use. I hit the frozen sidewalk with a mighty thump. The bruises on the outside part of my right thy and on the centre of my elbow are a testimony to the force of the fall.

Unfortunately, the story gets worse.

Down on my luck, I laid on the sidewalk for a few brief seconds. My first order of business was to re-gather my thoughts. However, this became difficult when to my embarrassment, three illegally attractive high school girls were no less than two metres behind me, laughing.

My only reaction was to do something funny. The only funny thing I know how to do is impersonations of my mother. I broke up their laughter by asking in an old woman voice: “what time does Seinfeld come on at?”

Baffled, the girls humoured me with the fakest laughs I’ve heard since the episode of the Steve Harvey Show I watched a few minutes prior. They continued walking, and so did I.
Humiliated, I placed all the blame on local weather forecasters. If they can predict weather patterns so well, why can’t they predict me slipping on ice?

Coincidence, pathetic, hilarious, trippy.

Doug Mackay, the candidate for the Marijuana Party of Canada in the riding of Thunder Bay - Rainy River lost in his campaign for a seat in parliament on the Januray 23rd, 2006 federal election.

He recieved 420 votes.

I am not making this up.

There is a very serious problem in Canada right now. It’s a problem so sad and disgusting that it must be resolved immediately. The problem comes to us from our very own government. Our government is a government which has destroyed the trust of its citizens; a government, which has littered newspapers, television, radio and even the internet with pathetic scandals; a government which has alienated the common Canadian it pursuit of its own interests.

The issue with our government stems from an easily identifiable source. Simply put, government is no longer run as a government, but rather, as a business. Long gone are the days when Canada was represented by “we the people.” Instead of looking ahead thirty years, we have our politicians, our representation, looking ahead four years, or until their next election. To no surprise, this has caused an ocean of turmoil both in and out of Ottawa. Instead of helping each other for the benefit of our great nation, everyone is disagreeing with one another, or insulting one another, or suing one another. Anytime the question period comes on C-SPAN, I begin to cry like a small child, in the corner of the room, curled up in the foetal position. It’s difficult to imagine that this indecisive, scattered, confrontational school of sharks governs this country. Ultimately, what can you expected when you pack a room full of lawyers and tell them to run a country.

Obviously, we Canadians are drowning in our own swimming pool. We are trapped in a stalemate. Our economy is weak due to a lack of confidence. Sure the loonie is the highest it’s been in years, but our neighbour to the south has the same problem we do, so eighty cents to the dollar means nothing to me. Young Canadians are leaving is very large numbers. They’re going to Europe, to Australia, to the States. Understandably so: they don’t want the burden of the labour crisis that will upon us in ten or fifteen years. Canada’s future looks about as safe as one of our pre-historic Sea Kings.

It’s too bad. Canada should be one of the most, if not, the most prosperous and socially stable country in world. There is an infinite amount of natural resources. We have a great social service system which hasn’t quite reached its potential yet. There is an overwhelming amount of open land for our population to expand, unless of course you live in select areas of Vancouver, Montreal, or Toronto. Where else on earth can you find a country like this? Russia? Perhaps, but they have worse political problems than we do. Greenland? I’m not exactly sure they have a government. Brazil? Okay, maybe Brazil, but it’s way too hot there. The point is that there potential in the great white north to be the global frontrunner in the 21st century.

To achieve this potential Canadians lead a leader: a leader that Canadians respect. Canadians need someone who’s very name or presence can lift their spirits and feel proud to be Canadian. Canadians need a leader who understands the trials and tribulations of both urban and rural life. Canada needs a leader who is respected in by all of the cultures which contribute to the melting pot. We need the greatest ambassador of Canada to ever live.

Canada needs Wayne Gretzky.

Wayne Gretzky is a born winner and has remained so to this very day. “The Great One” earned his nickname by dominating the NHL and our hearts for over twenty years. Gretzky puts his heart and soul into everything he does. His confidence is only exceeded by his exuberance (whatever that means). On top of everything else, Wayne Gretzky loves the truth north, strong and free.

In June of 2000, Gretzky received an honorary doctorate of law degree from the University of Alberta in Edmonton. Luckily, this does not mean that he is a lawyer. It does mean, however, that he can silence critics who say that Gretzky has an insufficient educational background. One might also make a critique of Gretzky’s residence in the United States. Such critiques are ignorant and should be swallowed with a side of your won foot. Great Canadians such as Louis Riel, and Simon Fraser also spent considerable amounts of time in the United States, yet, are still considered to be as Canadian as those full body, red pyjama suits with the hatch in the rear that lumberjacks supposedly used to wear.

Gretz, buddy, come home and save us. Soon.

When or if I die, I don't want you coming to my funeral. I think you're an asshole.